D’oRaNgE

Honestly, everybody wants to win. Be a champion. In the case of ordinary games or competitions, coming in second or third place or even not winning at all might be gotten over rather quickly. However in the game of love, we tend to get hurt more deeply and the pain isn’t exactly easy to heal or worse still the trauma isn’t gonna be gotten over in a blink of an eye.
Yeah I walked under a bus,
got hit by a train,
keep falling in love which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk at the sea, crashed my car, and gone insane
it felt so good, I wanna do it again.
Of course this particular, so-called game of love or “happy ever after” is different than any other games.. since you play your heart and soul in it. You invest them and you gamble with them. So, not winning isn’t exactly what we would call a regular loss.
It can very well be a dangerous thing, love is.. but yet people still engage in them, all striving for an end of “happy ever after”. But hey fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending.. and unfortunately not everybody can experience that.
Personally, I don’t even believe in fairy tales.. because in fairy tales the girls can just wait for prince charming and he’ll come their ways.. but reality ain’t that glamorous, it takes more of a fight to win someone’s love.. and it does hurt badly when we get our hearts stomped on by them… and it’s even worse that we get our hearts stomped on by that special one whom we thought we’ve won their love, by their admitting that we are only a runner up in their heart and that there’s someone else occupying the first place… FYI: I’m not talking in the context of affairs, this is only the context of ordinary relationships.
come on.. in the miss universe pageant, the first winner gets it all. No one even remembers the runner-ups.
So, what to do in a situation like this? Personally, I’ve had my heart stomped on in the past. All of those experiences sucked but I managed to learn from them. Now, I know that I need to stand up for my self. If I can help it I won’t let anybody have me come second in their heart again. It has happened before and I’m not about to let it happen again.. from now on, if I find out that the one I love decides that I’m a runner up in their heart, I have two options: a) If I really love the guy, I certainly will do everything in my power to make him love me more than the other girl occupying his heart. I will review the relationship and all the things I could do to make it better, it will be good for me and we will be happier as a couple. If it’s so complicated, then try to uncomplicate it by being more open and honest. b) if I don’t love him so much, I could wave good riddance to the jerk and find another who would love me and I could love equally. It won’t be easy but at least I’m free again.
We should all bear in mind that maybe we get hurt because our attitude says that we’re okay with it, although the truth is we’re not.. so, if you’re hurt express it and tell the guy that “hey, it’s not okay to do this to me. You need to stop”.. or even get all the courage in you to ask, “what can I do to make it not like this?” …
yes, sometimes we’re so consumed in fairy tales or take comfort in the unknown that we neglect our rights..

I am aware that I’m nowhere near broken heart, thank GOD. However, I would like to talk about it. This kind of hurting feeling can only be obtained due to placing our hearts as a bet in relationship or just love but actually, it’s the only way that feels right… that’s how we can truly feel.

I have a friend who broke up with a guy she still really loves and we could see how hurt she is and it got me thinking how that hurting feeling could lead into so many possibilities.

Positive possibilities could be like the person is more focused on the education or career that he or she is able to get ahead.. all because they are desperate to move on or to drown themselves into something else so that they could forget their sorrow.

Negative possibilities could be like totally forgetting to eat. Well, this never happened to me my other friend once said to a broken-hearted friend of mine, “eat with your brain, not your heart”.. we just don’t want her to get sick. They could even find it difficult to love someone else. That’s really bad, ‘cause people do have to move on. Life goes on, yo!

Those are some outcomes of broken hearts.

But it’s not like I say all these stuff without actually having felt them before… well guess what? I have.

It’s funny tho’ now that I have been with someone whom I really love and loves me back, I’ve totally forgotten how it feels. I know it’s like hell but I totally forget how it feels. Now, I only feel hurt due to the difficulties in my relationship, but other than that.. life is awesome.

I can’t help but wonder… does heartaches would equal to great relationship with someone you actually love? Does karma play in romance? I think so… I mean, after all that I had to go through in the past, now that I have finally found someone that I could understand what love really is.. it’s not perfect, I know, but I’m in love with my boyfriend who loves me back so much, I just can’t complain.

I walked under a bus,

I got hit by a train,

Keep falling in love but it’s kinda the same

I’ve sunk at the sea,

Crashed my car and gone insane

It felt so good,

I wanna do it again

That part of a song used to be some sort of soundtrack of my love life [imagine how messed up it was], apparently giving up was not an option and I am glad that I could still love after all of those heartaches.. and look where it got me: a great boyfriend. I could not ask for more.

My suggestion is just to keep your heart open, someone better will come along, someone you truly deserve. After all, we can’t really swear off love, right?

I am in the mood for some catchy lyrics…

“Cause every time that we rendezvous

I don’t wanna go back home

And every time that I’m holding you

There ain’t no way to let you go

You’re shining down boy the game is through

I don’t wanna play no more

Cause the only one that I want is you

So tell me what you wanna do

because baby, I just can’t stay away”

(Anything - JoJo)

It’s obvious that I’m in love… and luckily in a relationship with that particular boy for more than a year.. this is amazing.

“you and i

just have a dream

to find our love

at place where we can hideaway

you and i

and we’re just made

to love each other now

forever anyday”

(U&I - scorpions)

Still in luph, huh? Hehehe, that’s right, folks just wanna be with him…

And sometimes that creates trouble.. why? Cuz things don’t always work out the way we want them to.. and it just makes me feel or even seem too selfish for a relationship. Gosh, I hate that feeling. So maybe, that’s the reason why I never had long-term relationships before. That and the fact that it’s so hard to make a relationship work with me.. yes, I am a difficult person and now that I have found the one who CAN stand me and my attitude, hell, I am so not letting go…

Untuk kedua kalinyah ada orang yang re-post blog lamakuwh dari tahun lama.

I sat in front of my computer, staring blankly at my past attacking me. I don’t know who the fuck would do something like this… but it’s obvious ada yang nda suka seeing me happy with diMas. Well, whoever you are who did that, FUCK u. And Hopefully you’ll burn in hell and never get the chance to be happy. In fact, I don’t think you deserve to be happy. Honestly. YOU HAPPINESS-RUINING FUCKING ASS!!!!

Oh mi gosh.. I don’t usually swear this much anymore… so I think you people would understand how mad I actually am.

By the way, this is the last blog I would ever write on Friendster.

I am mad… why? because writing is a chunk of my life. A rather big one too and it hurts that someone could actually use that against me.

I know my relationship is not perfect and we argue quite a lot, so I really don’t need another another addition to worsen my relationship.

SHIT, i’ve got a stalker who seemed to have the archive of my past.

I love diMas. I really do. And It hurts to know that there are someone out there who can practically ruin it. who might make people, even my sweetheart doubt about my feeling…

like i said before, it hurts when someone you love doesn’t trust your love.

so…I am taking control of this. I QUIT WRITING BLOG ON FRIENDSTER.

THIS WOULD BE MY LAST BLOG here, SO if there’s a new post in my blog, I DIDNT POST IT.

I still will write somewhere else… just not here. twice of the same event is bad enough…

adieu…

thanx a lot buat semua yang sudah pernah ngaku suka isi blog-kuwh..my reader yang setia..my friends yang always comment…you guys mean a lot to me, but I just don’t think I belong here anymore.

Well,I know I haven’t had updates on my blog since ages ago… and for those of you who know me, it’s a bit unusual. I get it.

Actually, I don’t really have much time and for the first time I’m not in the mood to write. Hell I don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe I’v been so caught up with other things. However, I think I’m gonna start writing again…and publish what I write.

Anyway…here are the things I want to talk about.

here we go…

MAkhluk hidup ituwh punya kemampuan beradaptasi. Manusia sebagai makhluk sosial juga punya kemampuan untuk beradaptasi dengan perubahan dalam lingkar sosial in which they participate. Anak2 Mahasiswa Baru butuh adaptasi and all sorts of adjustment with college life, be it subjects or new friends.

Orang yang dulunyah single and then punya relationship juga menyesuaikan diri dengan relationship barunya ituwh.

Orang yang pindah ke lingkungan baru juga butuh untuk menyesuaikan diri dengan orang2 lain yang ada di lingkungan baru ituwh. semuanya memang tampak cliche, tapi it’s not always that simple karena orang2 juga ternyata punya kemampuan beradaptasi yang berbeda-beda.. ada yang benar2 flexible, ada yang reluctant, dan ada yang resistant.

My friend told me that she wanted to be more honest from now on and admitted that she’d had some kind of discussion with my other friend about me having a relationship.

And then she apologized for talking about me behind my back, well… being a forgiving person that I am, of course I forgive her. And I do apreciate that she wanted to be honest with me. There’s no need to fuss, because I know I’m pretty open-minded myself.. and of course I always apreciate honesty.

Well, they talked about this radical change that I have and my other friend didn’t seem to like it or whatever.

Here’s the thing… of course things have changed. I am not single anymore, while they had always been used to having me around all the time and stayed single .. and had all the time in the world for them.

Well, of course it’s not like that anymore. And it WILL NEVER BE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. Because my single life is over, and my adaptation is getting used to having a guy by my side and set aside time for him. While, my friendship is also important but I can’t stay single so that they don’t have to deal with anything that changes with my self. I just can’t do that. And I absolutely wouldn’t want to have to choose between my relationship and my friendship. Because both are important. I just hope that both sides would understand how much they ALL mean to me.

I just hope that my friends could understand me but I am not hoping for too much because right now, my life is different. I am not that single girl who would dedicate her entire life to unromantic stuff anymore. Because I admit, I need that romance. And I need my friendship. I just wish that my friends would understand that I’m trying to juggle everything. I can still be thankful to my loving and supportive boyfriend and the very few friends who still understand me.

anyway, It’s impossible to ask someone to really understand your situation if they have never actually been in the situation. Apalagi if they’re not open-minded, so shallow that they would only think that what they think is the only thing that’s right.

"we used to love one another,

give to each other,

lie undercover,

are you friend or foe?"

Sometimes, I still wonder… siapa yah yang bisa bener2 sy sebut teman? … but before I go on any further… I have to define what is a friend to me. Seorang teman *in my definition* adalah:

- seseorang yang most of the time selalu ada when I need them dan merupakan orang2 yang jarang mengecewakankuwh, terus tentunya they are not backstabbers [alias:orang-orang yang suka "menusuk dari belakang"]

- seorang teman ituwh tentunyah selalu bisa ngerti sama keadaan temannya.

- A true friend can also tell the much-needed truth to their friends and would not cover so that they will always have a great image to their friends.

- My true friends would also stand by me in any condition, they will stand behind my choice although they don’t agree with my choice. Always supportive, I might say.

- They would honestly tell me if I’ve made bad decisions, misalnya kalo a certain outfit actually makes me look fatter than I already am, in subtle ways, of course…

de el el..

yang jelas, seorang true friend nda bakalan menjerumuskan temannya sendiri so that kesalahan yang sebenarnya ada pada dirinyah tidak nampak. hm… I heard a few stories today and it really upset me because it upset someone that I consider my true friend… and all the drama that came with it.

Sy cuma mo bilang, bahwa sometimes orang-orang yang kita anggap teman bisa menjadi orang-orang yang pull us down. We love them, but unfortunately mereka might not care about us the same way we care about them. So, what to do when things like that happen? Straighten things up and make sure that you’re not accusing someone for something that they never did. Tapi kalo ternyata mereka memang seperti ituwh, well there’s nothing you can do… but you CAN decide whether to stay CLOSE friends with them or not. It’s just that people -especiall girls- need to be careful with their feelings. It’s not always about boyfriends, sometimes what people whom you think are your friends can hurt you worse than any guy you date. So..just be careful, because it really is a jungle out there and it’s tough to decide who’s friend/foe.

I just have to remember to be more careful who to share information to from now on…

Hm…where should I start? Well, in general Dimas and I are actually getting a lot closer than we’ve ever been. I don’t know if he feels that way too, but that’s how I feel. More and more in love, perhaps? I think so. However, relationship isn’t always about getting what you want but it’s also about compromising so that we won’t suffer from wanting too much. I admit that we argue a lot but I think we have reached the phase that we just gotta make this thing work better. We have figured out what we need to do, we need to be more patient in dealing with each other. It hasn’t been very easy because we both are so stubborn and a lot of times, selfish.

Another thing that’s important is to accept each other as a normal human beings who make mistakes every so often.

Anyway… this year I experienced a very romantic Valentine. I so won’t forget this Valentine. In my life, I don’t know why but I never had a romantic Valentine. I had one unforgettable Valentine’s day, but it wasn’t with a boyfriend. It was the day The Ames [my host parents] took me to the beach for a long weekend. We had dinner and relaxed. It was nice, though.

However, this year my Valentine days were romantic. on the 13th, we cooked together and I got him a pillow to hug everynight along with my favorite pillow case, i wrote ten things I love about him on chocolate bars, I also burned him the dyGta Cd that he’d wanted. We also watched a movie at my house.

The next day, he planned a surprise for me. It was very cute. He decorated my room with pink balloons and he got little candles and stick ‘em on the floor in the shape of a heart, and he put a rose and a huge Valentine card on my bed and since my room was dirty and messy, he cleaned it and arranged my stuff :). I got this surprise when I got home from college. I told him to come over to talk about the issues we had in our relationship, it turned out he’s been at my house well before I told him that I wanted to talk. When I walked into the house I could kinda smell him, but I thought it was just my imagination and when I walked into my room I was grinning non-stop. It was silly :P. I found him hiding in the room where my brother sleeps. I just couldn’t stop smiling. That was really sweet

I love him!

For those of you who know me, know that I love writing so much. That I actually put my thoughts in writing. However, that hasn’t been the fact lately. I didn’t update my blog for a very long time. I wrote in my personal diary a little bit [this happened only because I had no one to talk to]. And then…reality hits: I’ve dreamed about publishing my own novel. I wrote a lot of fiction before and then I realized that I haven’t written anything for well over eight months. How am I ever gonna publish my own book if I don’t write that much anymore? I started writing when I was in Junior High!! Why stop now? Actually, I don’t want to stop…and then I realized that I used to write because I had so much free time and so much imagination. Now, I still have so much imagination but not so much free time. I mean, I was single and college assignments weren’t trying to kill me, I had all the free time a girl could ask for… now, I have a boyfriend and college stuff that is getting tougher. Well, I don’t regret about both. I love that things are changing in my life. That I actually have real romance and college stuff that keeps challenging me. However, it’s a shame that I have no time for this one hobby.

But, when I’ve come to think of it… I still write but not exactly write stuff that I desire. I do a lot of writings for the college assignments thingy, though…

ONe thing for sure, saya merasa bersyukur karena punya atau pernah punya hobi menulis because those writing assignments seem more doable and karena sy memang hobi nulis in english, I never have to worry about decreasing my English speaking/writing ability… that’s a blessing, right there.

I really want to write an interesting finished story. It doesn’t have to be published, it’s just something that I want to do for myself. I hope I have one this year. You know what, I just need to be inspired. I need some tangible inspiration for a plot…

Masih dalam suasana ultah niiyh…

I had a quiet one. No party, I mean. However, I could still have some fun.

Pas tanggal 14 gituwh, dImas datang ke rumah and bawa presents berupa tempat minum cute warna oranye [buat dibawa ke gym n kampus every day katanyah J] and a stuffed animal berupa anjing yang cute juga [katanyah buat di-hug, since I said I wanted something to hug, and then anjing karena I love dogs J]… very thoughtful, eh? Teyus…it doesn’t stop there. Kartu ucapan ultahnya juga kreatif dong tentunyah, it was of course ORANGE and written with a UV ink!!! It was really something J masih ada lagi siyh dari dImas, a matching SYSTEM of a DOWN shirt. Yipppieee… now I do have same shirt as my boyfriend, which never happened before in my life

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And then after that I took him to lunch, unfortunately he wasn’t feeling well so we got home anyway and didn’t get to see a movie like we planned. But then in the afternoon I took my aunt and my cousin out shopping.

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In the evening, my OMA cooked my favorite meals: IKan baker, sayur bayam+jagung, and dabu-dabu [sambel khas Gorontalo]… and also beliau mengikuti tradisi Gorontalo kalo ada orang yang ultah, which is dibikinkan nasi kuning+tili aya [yum…!] terpaksa lah saya makan malam and membatalkan diet hehehehe. The food was irresistible!!! However, ada downfall-x juga… pas malam ituwh OMAkuwh ternyata bikin KOLAK DURIAN… YUCK!!! L alhasil dirikuwh mengungsi keluar rumah biar nda cium baunyah..

.After dinner, me and my family went to my other aunt’s house…. Disana dirikuwh di kasih brownies.. kue ultah, katanya… hehehe. Oh iya, ternyata juga ada my cousins Muflih and Gufron yang balik dari Surabaya …huhuhu what a surprise!

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Hm…tentang ucapan…

Ucapan ultah yang datang tahun ini lebih sedikit daripada tahun kemaren. Mungkin karena sy nda bikin party, jadi mereka lupa… anywayz, now I know who really care about me

But seperti biasa, ucapan ultahnya datang dari tengah malam sampe tengah malam lagi… heheheh

Abhie saking semangatx, say happy birthday sebelum 00:00… and then of course my sweetheart kept me on the phone and made sure he became the first and last one to say happy birthday J .. yes, he was with me until January 14^th was over J

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Anyway, I’m glad all of my real friends remember my birthday and wish me all the best. Thank u, guys!!!

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Hey, the birthday celebration didn’t stop there. I took Balagoz and our boyfriends to lunch. However, it was more like Makan sore, coz we were waiting until everyone got there. I just didn’t want to celebrate my birthday if one of my friends is missing from the scene. Especially, balagoz since we don’t get to hang out all the 5 of us anymore. Dan coba deh bayangkan se-giFo2nya kami….ternyata belum pernah foto berlima!!!! That is so unbelievable! Anyway, kita foto deh di focus dan untuk pertama kalinya ke-5 balagoz were present!

Entahlah…I just feel this huge spirit to bring all the 5 of together…

And having the guy that I love and the 4 friends that I also care about to celebrate my birthday really made me happy. They’re very important to me…

But ini sama sekali tidak berniat mendiskriminasi my other friends karena tidak mengajak mereka.. coz we are actually having a party at the end of the month!! Heheheheh sebenarnya itu adalah acara birthday partynya anak2 ReGimE yang lahir di bulan January. Niatx bagus ji…’tuk show that anak ReGimE bisa ji BerSaTu apalagi buat acara makan2…. Heheheheh

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Alright…. I’m taking my 20year-old self off this blog now… see ya!